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Which would be about 23 weeks to the day! I must definitely be the most impatient person on the planet. Srsly. There’s no denying this. I was not born a patient baby (or maybe…i was two weeks late) nor child nor tween, teen or adult. It’s my major sore spot. I work on this, occasionally. A lot of this impatience is fueled by food issues. Hunger and blow blood sugar make me terribly impatient.This time i am forced to be patient. So far it’s been paying off, 23 weeks out of 40. I’m still barely showing, it makes me wonder, i guess i have a large abdomen since he still seems to have a lot of space to grow. 17 weeks to go and reality will hit home. In the form of a cell turned fetus turned baybay.

I’m sure once baby bear is here it will be a completely different story and all those things i constantly hear from other people. I believe them all and am grateful for their opinions and how it helps me form my own.  THAT BEING SAID however.

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The past. 153.

To me my past feels like one big pity party. It was lets be honest a really shitty childhood spotted with moments of fun memories till my parents got divorced. I lived in fear of my father and rightly so. My brother was obviously the favored, the chosen son, the perfect boy and me the daughter with glasses who was terribly shy. He wasn’t kind to me to say the least. I keep telling myself to move on but he’s never apologized for what he did, yelling at me, hurting me, hurting my mother. It made me who i am today in a lot of ways good and bad. But it will never be what defines me as a person.

Now that i am having a baby I worry about these things, how will it inform who i am as a parent. I know what not to do now. I know when to take a break and let myself be angry some where else. I know better.

Baby Bear is going to be very loved no matter what.

USS Friendshit

I have to admit I am probably not the world’s best friend. I don’t really have a “best”friend anymore and i think I am ok with that. I’m alone more times than not and don’t do a whole lot to remedy the situation either. So all my complaining is for naught. Oh well. If it really starts to bother me I will extend myself further out into the world. Which i have been quasi attempting to do by emailing more people and being more vocal in the studio. Except for a few people it seems I just give and give and receive nothing in return except silence. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is proving to be painful.

It would be really nice to find a group of people where i fit in, and don’t feel like i am faking who i am or covering up personality to be cool. I’m a dork, i suck at video games but i try any way. I’m a people pleaser. Is it just easier to be who your not and fake your way through life? Where is my self confidence, where is my ability to go up to someone i know and say hi and make friends without worrying about bothering them? Even in the blogging world i feel like a phony and some fake person that no one ever wants to hear. When to make the first move? I think 2010 will be the year i crawl out of my shell and finally become myself atleast by 2012…the worlds supposed to implode then anyways right? I’ve got nothing to loose!

It’s a….

I found out on December 23! Still trying to process it. Either way i am very excited!

My child will be nameless

Because I can’t come up with one that feels appropriate.

Please let me introduce you to the contenders…

Wyatt David



and that’s as far as i got.

Trapeze Swinger

This song always brings me to tears and i have a huge grin on my face.

Iron and Wine

Trapeze Swinger

Please, remember me
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention

Please, remember me
I heard from someone you’re still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like ‘We’ll meet again’
And ‘Fuck the man’
And ‘Tell my mother not to worry’
And angels with their gray
Were always done in such a hurry

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We’d forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you’re lit up by the city

Please, remember me
In the window of the tallest tower call
Then pass us by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Leave and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like ‘Lost and Found’ and ‘Don’t Look Down’
And ‘Someone Save Temptation’

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above there running
In circles round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter’s
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
‘Who the hell can see forever?’

Please, remember me
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said ‘The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last’
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger

Please, remember me
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if i make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of G-d and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers