Monthly Archives: June 2009

In Limbo.

I had decided to move, back to my grandmas house. Although she no longer lived there. I moved into the room we usually stayed in but it was much different, had its own bathroom (a weird premonition about death and the water heater exploding) had an ominous feel to it. Other people were renting out other rooms and when someone rang the door bell the downstairs looked exactly the same. A kid i know but couldnt quite place who he was lived in the downstairs room which appeared quite larger. There was this stubborn lady that lived there who was the building manager type person and she kept barging into my room and i kept shoving her out. I would stand with my whole body weight on the door and my hand on the lock and still she would barge right in. eventually it got to the point where i would physically push her out the door and and in sheer frustration i picked her up like a sack of potatoes and threw her, she fell down the stairs. I could hear her cry and feel the pain and sadness radiating from her. After this she defeat put the very old skeleton keys she was using to open my door in an envelope and slid them under my door. Chris showed up at one point also, he knocked on the door and said “i know you hate me and i’m still mad at you but hi, i just wanted to let you know someones out for revenge” He visited for a little while sitting on my bed next to me watching tv eventually he got up kissed me on the cheek and left. Then my brother and Will came over to stay, both of them were much younger than they are now and were sleeping at the foot of the bed. Both of them said they were cold so when i got a blanket from the shelf i kept grabbing the wrong thing. Eventually i got the right blanket and thats about the time i woke up.


Moving on.

It really is stressful when your life is at a crossroads and you are standing in this big intersection, preferably out west where on all four corners fields stretch as far as the eye can see with green fields corralled in by white fences. Each corner has a stop sign, each road brings new meaning. One road, the one i am standing on right now is my life here in Portland. I can go straight and continue on this path because it is the easy thing to do. I could go right and take a year off to work and take classes…but where? Or i could go left and move to just work for a year and be done with school for a while.

How do i know what the right answer is? Who can actually offer guidance.

I have been dealing with this all by avoiding it. Tomorrow i am going to go draft an appeal letter so if i decided i can hopefully get back into MECA.

Move up or Move on. I was thinking North Carolina…anyone want to come?

In other news. I was out last night and threw my phone because i was upset and for no good reason just hucked it at the ground. Brick sidewalk-1 Poor abused phone-0. If Apple wants to give ma new iphone to review i would not object, i would rate it fairly and properly since i am in love with all things apple.  I hung out at the beach tonight with my aggressive pedestrian. The sky was really quite amazing and the ocean bearably cold for once. We sat on a bench and watched the boats go by as the light receded from the day. It was a lot of fun and nice to see him again. He’s kind of awesome (GOAT) hehe.

p.s.- what does it mean if my veins are super bright blue? especially my hands, and chest (shoulder area, across chest etc) I would really like to quench my curiosity with this one.


My life is not a bucket of roses. One can pretend though that things are alright. so i will leave it at that.

I would just like to say.

Screw this whole posting pictures of myself for encouragement. My camera batteries are dead and i have no money to go buy new ones to have them die in a month. If we could just get on the ball with a new energy source for small technology that would be GREAT. Or if someone could just buy me an iphone, that would also be appropriate. Because we all you know get some super secret knowledge to conquer the world when you receive an iphone and super powers with your thumbs… touch my screen biatch! i’m an iphone and i’m awesome. Maybe i just need to let it go and realize i’ll never own one. JUST KIDDING. I’ll never actually let those words escape from my mouth. Moving on from the iphone is the harry potter equivalent of saying…Voldemort. AH!

ALSO. I haven’t been drinking lately, no money really to do so. The most prefered would be Shipyard export on draft since it’s local, or chamberlin. Or Allagash, or Geary’s HSA Mostly amber beers that are like a middle of the road easy to drink many and not too filling like the darker beers where i have one and wonder why there is a brick in my stomach. Making me reach for my trusty bottle of tums in vain since i have been half heartedly attempting to leave the supersized bottle of chewable calcium tablets at home. I get so excited, shuffle around in the black hole i call a purse only to be let down. But the empty calories and being even more hungry after drinking and while walking home buying a bag of honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces and eatting the whole bag in one sitting…says something to you. It was like a fat kid on cake. But i am the fat kid and i love cake.

In other news. My apartments oddly clean, well minus everything i shoved in my bedroom thinking my friend would lend me a steam cleaner but hasn’t yet.

Onward and upwards to make some cupcakes!! I have strawberries so i think they will be strawberry vanilla cupcakes.
Here is the link to…um freaking amazing cupcakes. Make them, visit this blog.
I’m also cool and wearing about four shirts right now, three tank tops and a t shirt. Not many people can pull that off you know.

Hitting home.

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I feel like i take this poem for granted. I never really “truly” read it till today and now it seems special, i take the time to enjoy it.


Sometimes things happen and we have no answer nor solution to calm peoples nerves to assuage their fears. Everything happens for a reason and as painful as we may feel about it us, we that are still amongst the living awake to another day in the sun, to one day share with their dearly departed the memories we think they have no idea about when really they know everything and all the things we think they missed have all been filled in.

I miss you.


*-Update- Now that these photos have been up for a little while i start to feel the awkwardness sink in and i am not sure how i feel about it. I’ve always snubbed those bloggers who try to have some privacy on their blogs with fake names and no photos, especially of themselves in a jogging bra and work out shorts. You are on the internet for christ sake nothing is private, give it up.

Well i guess i am single again. Waiting patiently for him to get home and then kicked to the curb like i am rubbish. It sure is a great feeling. People are so selfish these days.
So in effort to forget about everything i am going to renew my efforts in getting back into shape.
Once a week on Saturday i am going to post the weekly work out photo, even if i don’t like it.

Week 1.

Week 1.