To me my past feels like one big pity party. It was lets be honest a really shitty childhood spotted with moments of fun memories till my parents got divorced. I lived in fear of my father and rightly so. My brother was obviously the favored, the chosen son, the perfect boy and me the daughter with glasses who was terribly shy. He wasn’t kind to me to say the least. I keep telling myself to move on but he’s never apologized for what he did, yelling at me, hurting me, hurting my mother. It made me who i am today in a lot of ways good and bad. But it will never be what defines me as a person.
Now that i am having a baby I worry about these things, how will it inform who i am as a parent. I know what not to do now. I know when to take a break and let myself be angry some where else. I know better.
Baby Bear is going to be very loved no matter what.
I have to admit I am probably not the world’s best friend. I don’t really have a “best”friend anymore and i think I am ok with that. I’m alone more times than not and don’t do a whole lot to remedy the situation either. So all my complaining is for naught. Oh well. If it really starts to bother me I will extend myself further out into the world. Which i have been quasi attempting to do by emailing more people and being more vocal in the studio. Except for a few people it seems I just give and give and receive nothing in return except silence. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is proving to be painful.
It would be really nice to find a group of people where i fit in, and don’t feel like i am faking who i am or covering up personality to be cool. I’m a dork, i suck at video games but i try any way. I’m a people pleaser. Is it just easier to be who your not and fake your way through life? Where is my self confidence, where is my ability to go up to someone i know and say hi and make friends without worrying about bothering them? Even in the blogging world i feel like a phony and some fake person that no one ever wants to hear. When to make the first move? I think 2010 will be the year i crawl out of my shell and finally become myself atleast by 2012…the worlds supposed to implode then anyways right? I’ve got nothing to loose!
I’ve stayed up till just about now the past two nights playing Assasin’s Creed II
I refused to celebrate New Years as i sat with Abby while she watched me as i ninjaed bad guys. She is obviously a peace keeping dog and leaves during the gory parts.
I always have trouble with new years resolutions and usually the resolution is not to have one. Not to put pressure on myself for something i will forget. But this year i am forging ahead with baby bear who i will officially meet in May and if i was to really define what my resolution would be, it would start with finishing this next semester (uh whaaat? i’m crazy) Taking the summer off to take care of baby bear. Finding a new place and community college to finish my credits for a BFA. So far the choice are staying in…..
- Maine…HAHAHA no really don’t want to.
- Colorado…seems like a good idea but it has it’s hang ups. Although the good is 75% and the bad is 25%. Namely how would i get out there? with Baby Bear, AND the cats? AND my stuff? I guess i could justify some moving cost if i am going to school there. But still why must moving be so SO expensive. And finding a place there? and touring the school? I learned my lesson with that a long time ago…ALWAYS go tour the campus even if it’s just for one class. But a flight costs 500$ and that would be my moving money. Fuck being broke. Buddy Passes? Anybody anybody? I’ll send you cookies and something cool?
- California…Meh…it’s warm I can prepare myself for Australia weather.
- Mystery location yet to reveal itself.
I don’t want to get stuck in a rut and i feel that there is a great chance i can. So i’m going to forge ahead this year one step at a time, one day at a time and make things work. That’s what i have always been good at is finding ways to just get through.
Give The Gift Anyone Can Use – Gift Cards From American Express
by Kristin Lesney on December 20, 2009
Giveaway Ends Dec. 24th
What’s the best last minute gift? What’s the one gift you know everyone is going to love? Gift cards! Thi is why I believe the American Express Gift Cards are the perfect last minute, and all around gift. American Express Gift Cards come in denominations of $25, $50, $100, and $200, and are available for purchase online at www.americanexpress.com/gift, and at over 70,000 retailers nationwide.
Since the American Express Gift Cards can be used anywhere at any time they make the ultimate last minute gift. Or the gift idea when you don’t know what else to buy. I also love the idea of making gift baskets and putting gift cards in them. It’s the one thing you know will be hit, and make a great addition to any gift basket.
Check out www.americanexpress.com/gift to purchase or for more information. Gift cards make great last minute gifts
Dreams you don’t want to let go.
I was at my apartment but there was another leak in a pipe. I was running around trying to find my landlord and ended up in some basement. Where i ran into him the one, myyyy person. It felt like this incredible wave of happiness. Roughly my height with a calm disposition and dark brown eyes. Sporting winter clothes and a neatly trimmed yet somewhat scruffy beard. I don’t remember how i did but we ended up spinning each other on the floor till we were dizzy for fun. Don’t ask me why. He was holding me in a hug when my landlord walked up to us having finally found me to say that there was indeed a leak and that they were fixing the pipe. In the mean time the boy and I decided to learn how to drive. I was the first one to go, the instructor a middle aged balding man did not believe me when i was saying that the car was broken. The automatic was rolling backwards down a hill while it was in drive. It just kept getting worse and the boy had disappeared from the back seat. I decided to bike to where we were going to meet in hopes that he would be there. But there was this really annoying girl harassing me and my bike seat was crooked so biking was also a battle. We ended up at this convenience store at the bottom of a hill.
I know this is silly and arbitrary but i was really excited when someone from Bumbleride commented on a post i wrote about them. I probably don’t have enough money to buy their stroller and by some stroke of luck it might happen. Sometimes the gods smile on me. Most of the time it’s frowning. But i will take what i can get.
because angels sing when people use this.
It’s not necessary to keep posting pictures of this i know everyone gets the point. It’s pretty.
This will never happen in my lifetime since i am not popular or cool enough to actually receive and review such a gift. But if i also had a choice to spend exorbinate amounts of money i’d get a Uppababy Vista
Mostly because of it’s versatility and ability to add another seat. But i dont think i will be having any more children in the near future besides my baby bear and the fabric is not half as cool as the Bumbleride.
As far as bedding goes I like the simple vintage patterns for fabrics and a modern crib. Without breaking the bank. So picking something up from ikea would be the obvious choice but i remember their fabric being less than ideal. BUT spending 100$ on bedding? really? all the baby does it sleep in a bed. They don’t appreciate fine fabrics like we do. Not to mention the blow outs, puke and boogers that the fabric has to…put up with.
Just one idea for now.
I always come up with awe inspiring plans or silly things to dream about. But this one I want to stick. I want to move to Australia.
It’s a wonderful country, it’s beautiful. It has the best of both worlds, mountains, oceans…sigh! just beautiful. I would like to give it a try living there for a few years and if it works out stay as long as i can. Being away from family would be tough on the holidays.
First things first would be getting a passport for me and baby bear. *117 days by the way*
What part of australia? What kind of visa would i get? HOW would i support myself whilst i am there? Would baby bear have an australian accent? I’m one of those lame posers who picks up an accent quickly. Yeah don’t go there. I won’t.
I want baby bear to see the world. I haven’t even seen it and i think this would be a grand adventure. I have no idea where my life is going. Thats the beauty of it. You don’t have to know. Just rolling with the punches and making things work. I think i have learned that living with certain “ingrained” expectations that are set by society to go to school, become established, get married and only then procreate. I understand all these things. and why. But they are not for me. They are not things that i have obviously come to appreciate yet or need. Yes having a steady job and not working as hard in some cushy enviornment is a bonus, obviously. What’s your reasoning behind this Claire? Being able to support yourself and your child dumbass. The plan…oh yeah a plan! plans always work out PRECISELY like they should right? RIGHT? hah funny. Back to my point though. I will have a BFA by the time i move to Australia. I will have to work for every paycheck till i figure out what i am going to do. Oh yeah a job. YEeeeeep one of those. I havent worked in a while. I’ve been spoiled by 98,000$ dollars of debt! yeah so spoilt. Barely paying my bills, living in a crappy apartment and only doing the school thing.
So why not move to a small affordable shack bungalow? why. not.
i’m ready for some big world livin, in the sun away from pine trees.