To me my past feels like one big pity party. It was lets be honest a really shitty childhood spotted with moments of fun memories till my parents got divorced. I lived in fear of my father and rightly so. My brother was obviously the favored, the chosen son, the perfect boy and me the daughter with glasses who was terribly shy. He wasn’t kind to me to say the least. I keep telling myself to move on but he’s never apologized for what he did, yelling at me, hurting me, hurting my mother. It made me who i am today in a lot of ways good and bad. But it will never be what defines me as a person.
Now that i am having a baby I worry about these things, how will it inform who i am as a parent. I know what not to do now. I know when to take a break and let myself be angry some where else. I know better.
Baby Bear is going to be very loved no matter what.
Everyday i feel like i am frantically crawling my way up to the surface. Every day i tell myself to not be a wuss. To get out of bed, that it won’t be so bad, that i could maybe cheer myself up with a really good sammich. Which you know is my ultimate goal. If someone could create a never-empty-fridge i would die a happy lady. Every day i tell myself that it’s okay if i mess up, if i dont eat the best food, if i dont get everything done. I dont need to be on a quest for perfection, i need to just be okay with myself. It’s not saying there is no room for improvement, it’s why we are human.
Another thing i am tired of is defending myself. Especially towards people i really like. I’m tired of being nit picked, i am not perfect i don’t claim to be not even in the least bit but i accept your flaws, and maybe just maybe you could give me a damn break.
Yesterday i got hurt, my hip aches, and my cuts are stinging. My wrists are aching and more than anything my ego is bruised. then i shut my foot in Kelly’s car door…stupid door.
Now i am going to head home and pout and eat leftovers from dinner yesterday that i made. i’m very excited about it. since i havent eatten yet.
then i am going to make a peach crisp. and drink me some PBR. its going to be a salvageable night.
I will survive like i always do, another day. no dollar.