Dreams you don’t want to let go.
I was at my apartment but there was another leak in a pipe. I was running around trying to find my landlord and ended up in some basement. Where i ran into him the one, myyyy person. It felt like this incredible wave of happiness. Roughly my height with a calm disposition and dark brown eyes. Sporting winter clothes and a neatly trimmed yet somewhat scruffy beard. I don’t remember how i did but we ended up spinning each other on the floor till we were dizzy for fun. Don’t ask me why. He was holding me in a hug when my landlord walked up to us having finally found me to say that there was indeed a leak and that they were fixing the pipe. In the mean time the boy and I decided to learn how to drive. I was the first one to go, the instructor a middle aged balding man did not believe me when i was saying that the car was broken. The automatic was rolling backwards down a hill while it was in drive. It just kept getting worse and the boy had disappeared from the back seat. I decided to bike to where we were going to meet in hopes that he would be there. But there was this really annoying girl harassing me and my bike seat was crooked so biking was also a battle. We ended up at this convenience store at the bottom of a hill.
Thats how many days i’ve been procreating. Wow. Thats still 171 days to go. Which still feels like a lot. But if 109 days have gone by so fast than 171 will be the blink of an eye.
There hasn’t been much down time as of lately. Building cabinets, writing bullshit stupid pointless papers about things i learned nothing of *cough* history of architecture *cough* If a teacher who had any experience in the subject taught and taught it properly maybe i couldve learned something or actually wanted to learn something. Catching up on writing, Making a presentation of my work and source images.
All of which has been causing or creating heart palpitations. or something. I’ve been feeling a weird flutter. But after some googling it’s apparently not unusual at all. I just blame the presentation. Its easier to get out of that way. So someone can finally understand the uncomfortable panic it brings. Silent panic that keeps me up at night stealing away the precious sleep i do get now between being slept on my fatty mcfatfat and having to pee and a zillion other things. I am extremely fortunate otherwise to be so “symptom” free so far. The first couple weeks were rough, fatigue and gagging. Sometimes i catch myself now, completely forgetting there is a bun in my oven. When i bend over i feel it thought, a weird knot almost. Still no flutters yet. Maybe one, but it’s probably just gas. Which you know is the awesome. Farting all the time. YEP! AWESOME! but wait i always did that before only these have more of an OOMPF to them.
Everyday i feel like i am frantically crawling my way up to the surface. Every day i tell myself to not be a wuss. To get out of bed, that it won’t be so bad, that i could maybe cheer myself up with a really good sammich. Which you know is my ultimate goal. If someone could create a never-empty-fridge i would die a happy lady. Every day i tell myself that it’s okay if i mess up, if i dont eat the best food, if i dont get everything done. I dont need to be on a quest for perfection, i need to just be okay with myself. It’s not saying there is no room for improvement, it’s why we are human.
Another thing i am tired of is defending myself. Especially towards people i really like. I’m tired of being nit picked, i am not perfect i don’t claim to be not even in the least bit but i accept your flaws, and maybe just maybe you could give me a damn break.
Yesterday i got hurt, my hip aches, and my cuts are stinging. My wrists are aching and more than anything my ego is bruised. then i shut my foot in Kelly’s car door…stupid door.
Now i am going to head home and pout and eat leftovers from dinner yesterday that i made. i’m very excited about it. since i havent eatten yet.
then i am going to make a peach crisp. and drink me some PBR. its going to be a salvageable night.
I will survive like i always do, another day. no dollar.