Everyday i feel like i am frantically crawling my way up to the surface. Every day i tell myself to not be a wuss. To get out of bed, that it won’t be so bad, that i could maybe cheer myself up with a really good sammich. Which you know is my ultimate goal. If someone could create a never-empty-fridge i would die a happy lady. Every day i tell myself that it’s okay if i mess up, if i dont eat the best food, if i dont get everything done. I dont need to be on a quest for perfection, i need to just be okay with myself. It’s not saying there is no room for improvement, it’s why we are human.
Another thing i am tired of is defending myself. Especially towards people i really like. I’m tired of being nit picked, i am not perfect i don’t claim to be not even in the least bit but i accept your flaws, and maybe just maybe you could give me a damn break.
Yesterday i got hurt, my hip aches, and my cuts are stinging. My wrists are aching and more than anything my ego is bruised. then i shut my foot in Kelly’s car door…stupid door.
Now i am going to head home and pout and eat leftovers from dinner yesterday that i made. i’m very excited about it. since i havent eatten yet.
then i am going to make a peach crisp. and drink me some PBR. its going to be a salvageable night.
I will survive like i always do, another day. no dollar.
Today is one of those days where i feel like the world is going about its business and i am not part of it. Cars driving by on their way to this place and that, people walking with purpose. And here i am wandering around..with nothing to do, I’m tired of this. I like being included in life and having things to do and places to be. Having people come up to me and bring me out of my shell. I look forward to December. I need something to look forward to. Also I’m kind of excited to refinish a medicine chest in my mom’s garage from our old house on Hamilton street. It will make or break my idea for my thesis which would be based loosely on “restoration” which is less restoring actual pieces which i will do but more trying to restore myself and my sense of being and where i belong in the world. I want to restore myself. School starts Monday and i look forward to a break from the monotony. On days where i would rather be here….
Or sleep in awkward uncomfortable places to escape.
But instead. I watch people zoom by as my slow paced life seems endless and the road really long.
I should keep reminding myself that life is an adventure and that not every day can be amazing. That the low days are there to make the really special days worth while.
I’m tired of setting myself up for disappointing situations. So therefore it’s not going to happen anymore. I would like to escape from here for a while. Go anywhere. This place is nothing but loneliness and cold. I am going to go get my passport renewed.
Places to go:
Itty Bitty hat
- Started knitting a hat for Tony, Like the one above, same yarn but the colors look different.
- Painted my strawberry bandsaw box.
- Cut up one of the drawers upside down! and didnt notice, nothing has gone right this week.
- Mixed up the paint for the peach box and proceeded to spill it all over my work bench
- Cried over a cute birthday card Nickola had.
- Painted many….many layers of milk paint.
- Ate lunch.
- Got spray adhesive on my hands and it wont come off!! UGH! atleast i know it works though
- Almost got knocked over in the nasty wind on my way home
I am officially on break for thanksgiving! I am excited to cook
and my aunt totally left me a note on facebook which is really amusing.