New Blog

My new blog can be found at

http://www.wyattburps.com

160.

Which would be about 23 weeks to the day! I must definitely be the most impatient person on the planet. Srsly. There’s no denying this. I was not born a patient baby (or maybe…i was two weeks late) nor child nor tween, teen or adult. It’s my major sore spot. I work on this, occasionally. A lot of this impatience is fueled by food issues. Hunger and blow blood sugar make me terribly impatient.This time i am forced to be patient. So far it’s been paying off, 23 weeks out of 40. I’m still barely showing, it makes me wonder, i guess i have a large abdomen since he still seems to have a lot of space to grow. 17 weeks to go and reality will hit home. In the form of a cell turned fetus turned baybay.

I’m sure once baby bear is here it will be a completely different story and all those things i constantly hear from other people. I believe them all and am grateful for their opinions and how it helps me form my own.  THAT BEING SAID however.

The past. 153.

To me my past feels like one big pity party. It was lets be honest a really shitty childhood spotted with moments of fun memories till my parents got divorced. I lived in fear of my father and rightly so. My brother was obviously the favored, the chosen son, the perfect boy and me the daughter with glasses who was terribly shy. He wasn’t kind to me to say the least. I keep telling myself to move on but he’s never apologized for what he did, yelling at me, hurting me, hurting my mother. It made me who i am today in a lot of ways good and bad. But it will never be what defines me as a person.

Now that i am having a baby I worry about these things, how will it inform who i am as a parent. I know what not to do now. I know when to take a break and let myself be angry some where else. I know better.

Baby Bear is going to be very loved no matter what.

USS Friendshit

I have to admit I am probably not the world’s best friend. I don’t really have a “best”friend anymore and i think I am ok with that. I’m alone more times than not and don’t do a whole lot to remedy the situation either. So all my complaining is for naught. Oh well. If it really starts to bother me I will extend myself further out into the world. Which i have been quasi attempting to do by emailing more people and being more vocal in the studio. Except for a few people it seems I just give and give and receive nothing in return except silence. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is proving to be painful.

It would be really nice to find a group of people where i fit in, and don’t feel like i am faking who i am or covering up personality to be cool. I’m a dork, i suck at video games but i try any way. I’m a people pleaser. Is it just easier to be who your not and fake your way through life? Where is my self confidence, where is my ability to go up to someone i know and say hi and make friends without worrying about bothering them? Even in the blogging world i feel like a phony and some fake person that no one ever wants to hear. When to make the first move? I think 2010 will be the year i crawl out of my shell and finally become myself atleast by 2012…the worlds supposed to implode then anyways right? I’ve got nothing to loose!

It’s a….

I found out on December 23! Still trying to process it. Either way i am very excited!

My child will be nameless

Because I can’t come up with one that feels appropriate.

Please let me introduce you to the contenders…

Wyatt David

Lachlan

Mackenzie

and that’s as far as i got.

Trapeze Swinger

This song always brings me to tears and i have a huge grin on my face.

Iron and Wine

Trapeze Swinger

Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
But

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you’re still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like ‘We’ll meet again’
And ‘Fuck the man’
And ‘Tell my mother not to worry’
And angels with their gray
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry
And

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We’d forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you’re lit up by the city
So

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower call
Then pass us by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Leave and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like ‘Lost and Found’ and ‘Don’t Look Down’
And ‘Someone Save Temptation’
And

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior
But

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above there running
In circles round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter’s
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
‘Who the hell can see forever?’
And

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said ‘The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last’
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger
So

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if i make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of G-d and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers

Na-na
Na-na-na
Na-na
Na-na…

Books to read.

Books essential to read during before or during pregnancy:

Childbirth without Fear: The Principles and Practice of Natural Childbirth by Grantly Dick-Read

Pushed by Jennifer Block

Hypnobirthing the Mongan Method

All of these books state that there is no need for pain during childbirth by using proven methods of relaxation and a stress free environment. It’s a naturally occurring event. Something that is inevitable (the kid can’t stay in there forever). I choose to have a natural drug free childbirth and give my child the best chance possible for life in the world. I may be doing this completely alone but i am not going to let it bother me and be a stronger person for baby bear in the long run.

Sleep Schedules and Vacation 144.

I’ve stayed up till just about now the past two nights playing Assasin’s Creed II

I refused to celebrate New Years as i sat with Abby while she watched me as i ninjaed bad guys. She is obviously a peace keeping dog and leaves during the gory parts.

I always have trouble with new years resolutions and usually the resolution is not to have one. Not to put pressure on myself for something i will forget. But this year i am forging ahead with baby bear who i will officially meet in May and if i was to really define what my resolution would be, it would start with finishing this next semester (uh whaaat? i’m crazy) Taking the summer off to take care of baby bear. Finding a new place and community college to finish my credits for a BFA. So far the choice are staying in…..

• Maine…HAHAHA no really don’t want to.
• Colorado…seems like a good idea but it has it’s hang ups. Although the good is 75% and the bad is 25%. Namely how would i get out there? with Baby Bear, AND the cats? AND my stuff? I guess i could justify some moving cost if i am going to school there. But still why must moving be so SO expensive. And finding a place there? and touring the school? I learned my lesson with that a long time ago…ALWAYS go tour the campus even if it’s just for one class. But a flight costs 500$ and that would be my moving money. Fuck being broke. Buddy Passes? Anybody anybody? I’ll send you cookies and something cool?
• California…Meh…it’s warm I can prepare myself for Australia weather.
• Mystery location yet to reveal itself.

I don’t want to get stuck in a rut and i feel that there is a great chance i can. So i’m going to forge ahead this year one step at a time, one day at a time and make things work. That’s what i have always been good at is finding ways to just get through.

Pushed.

I will call this the second draft of an earlier post, This more clearly states what i was trying to get across the first time. I would also like to say before hand that this is not an attack on women or their birth preferences or more so our lack of choices. This is just my thought process, how i sort things out and come to a conclusion. My thesis is this. Given the advances in modern medicine and society why is birth regressing into a hospital having total control over a woman’s body?

So, I started reading this book. I was browsing the library trying to find books to read so i could properly educate myself on the finer points of mother hood. As if i would somehow find them in the pages of a book. This book, the one below I found to be severely troubling. It’s a biased book swinging toward home birth and stating that most of the time the medical community is out to get you. Acknowledging that doctors look for ways to scare you into inducing your labor which only leads to a “cascade of interventions” and prolonged labor or c-section. Ranging from failure to progress to inducing to pain medication all leaves women bedridden, the most unnatural way to birth. All this is backed up with very factual information from reliable medical sources.  I wish this was a lie and that doctors don’t push to induce at their convenience and have nurses actively manage your labor but it’s a solid truth. It’s not about me choosing a preference or stating what i want to happen for my birth. I’m talking about whats actually happening everyday in hospitals across the country. I can only arm myself with knowledge and go from there. That’s the plan. A safe natural labor with no medical interventions is still just as safe. I’m aware of the word risk and the fear asociated with it. We cannot plan for things to happen but solely roll with the punches!

From Publishers Weekly

According to writer and editor Block (Our Bodies, Ourselves), “the United States has the most intense and widespread medical management of birth” in the world, and yet “ranks near the bottom among industrialized countries in maternal and infant mortality.” Block shows how, in transforming childbirth into a business, hospitals have turned “procedures and devices developed for the treatment of abnormality” into routine practice, performed for no reason than “speeding up and ordering an unpredictable…process”; for instance, the U.S. cesarean section rate tripled in the 1970s, and has doubled since then. Block looks into a growing contingent of parents-to-be exploring alternatives to the hospital-and the attendant likelihood of medical intervention-by seeking out birthing centers and options for home-birth. Unfortunately, obstacles to these alternatives remain considerable-laws across the U.S. criminalizing or severely restricting the practice of midwifery have led the trained care providers to practice underground in many states-while tort reform has done next to nothing to lower malpractice insurance rates or improve hospital birthing policies. This provocative, highly readable expose raises questions of great consequence for anyone planning to have a baby in U.S., as well as those interested or involved in women’s health care.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. –This text refers to the Hardcover edition.